Martini
Personality Type: You can hold your drink, and you want others to know it. You once tried to write a novel. You would say you are more head than heart. Your preferred party position is at the bar regaling others. You are the type to use the word ‘regale.’
Signature Drink: A proper martini. No less than three ounces of straight gin will do for you. Proper gin martinis are for lifelong, professional drinkers. It is the signature drink for the intellectual set; it was both Dorothy Parker’s and Winston Churchill’s drink of choice, after all.
Whiskey, neat
Personality Type: You manage to somehow act fancy without putting on airs. You might wear jeans and button-up shirts every day, but they have a crispness to them — as if you walked out of a catalogue. You were voted “Most Likely to Succeed” in high school. Your preferred party position is arriving late and leaving early.
Signature Drink: Whiskey, neat. The more expensive, the better. Because everything in life should be straight-up.
Beer and Shot
Personality Type: You still read paper books and write with a pencil. You have dreams of fixing up a motorcycle. You do not like your birthday — or any holiday really, except for bank holidays because you get the day off. You like routine. You prefer small groups over large ones. Your preferred party position is at the bar down the street.
Signature Drink: A shot of whiskey and a beer — both of them cheap. Sometimes called The Boilermaker, this combination is a favorite of bartenders and other people who get off work at 6 a.m., because nothing builds a wall between you and the toils of the day like a shot and a beer.
Wine
Personality Type: You feel generally happy and dissatisfied at the same time. You are ambitious but don’t feel lucky. You would call yourself jealous because you are also very self-aware. Your preferred party position is talking late into the night.
Signature Drink: Wine. It’s the drink that’s easiest to refill.
Old Fashioned
Personality Type: You used to self-identify as a traveler, but that was a while ago. You would say that contrary to appearances, you are risk-averse. You’ve had the same hairstyle for a decade, and you still get compliments on it. Your preferred party position is around the fire pit.
Signature Drink: The Old Fashioned. It does not get better than this drink, which makes it the right choice for people who are very certain of things.
Vodka Tonic
Personality Type: You turn down sparkling water at restaurants in favor of tap. You eat a lot of fish. You run but don’t necessarily enjoy it. You do enjoy Danish design and neutral colors. The color purple (the actual color, not the book) upsets you. Your preferred party position is organizing it.
Signature Drink: A vodka tonic — the coldest drink in the cocktail world. And, we mean its temperament, not its temperature.
Champagne
Personality Type: You stand on the outside of crowds and observe. People approach you to ask your permission for various things. You receive calls about moving large sums of money around, business you dispatch quickly and in a quiet voice. You don’t eat much; you don’t sleep much. Your preferred party position? Above it.
Signature Drink: Champagne. For those of us who don’t drink champagne all that often, it is a celebratory, special occasion drink. For those who choose to drink it all the time, it is a signal to others that your whole life is a special occasion and you simply don’t have time for them.